Job Description of Parenthood (0-3 Months): Highly Advanced Baby Stand

The Objective Facts About Me:

I am a complex, living being capable of:

  • Speaking
  • Writing
  • Mathematics
  • Assimilating information
  • Decision making
  • Social graces
  • Logic and abstraction
  • Self-awareness
  • Problem Solving
  • Skill Acquisition

The Painful Reality About Me:

I am a highly advanced baby stand who:

  • Must not sit down while baby is sleeping
  • Must bounce rhythmically about 1 to 2 times per second
  • Must “shush” hum or sing
  • AND NOTHING ELSE (Baby can tell if you’re texting!)

I’m sure you had dreams of putting your skills, abilities and education to good use, but right now, you are nothing more than a highly over qualified baby stand. Welcome to your new life.

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