Very taboo, but yes I have favourites. I guess this is primarily an issue for parents of two or more children, but I think even parents of a single child can at the very least say that their child is not their favourite person at times. I wonder if favouring one child over your other(s) is something that most parents would admit to? I suspect that we all do it, but if so, then why does it seem so taboo?
Judge and Jury
As I mentioned in some of my previous posts, people love to make judgements about people. I’m not even being specific to parents here. Judging people is one of the activities that people seem to get off on most in life. Even those that profess to dislike “labeling” people because it is akin to passing judgements on people are, themselves, judging those that do label others. Labeling and passing judgements are things that we do as humans.
It isn’t always nice or friendly, but labeling helps us make sense of our world and it is also a skill that helps to keep us alive. If we didn’t judge or label things that were poisonous to us, then we might end up killing ourselves with the “bad” berries, for example. There are significant differences between judging hazards to our safety and a person’s character. Determining something to be dangerous is vastly different to deciding that someone is socially awkward or frustrating. For this reason it seems fairly uncontroversial to be harsh towards the things that might cause us harm. It is more controversial to judge people for their personal flaws.
What Favouritism Isn’t
When I talk about favouring one child over the other, the character of my children is certainly at issue, having said that, I love my kids equally. The love I have for my kids is never at issue when I talk about having a favourite. So preferring one over the other is never a question of my love for my kids, but is rather an issue of how I have bonded with them.
As my kids have been developing there have been times when I make a bond with one more than with the other. During those times, I’d have to say that I feel closer to one than the other. I’d also say that it seems like the “favourite” child also seems to prefer me more during those times too and so it seems like it is a two way street. Jenn and I have both noticed that when one of us does bond with one of our kids more than the other it is a temporary thing and we tend to swing back and forth between both of our kids.
Favouring one of my kids over the other, is a recognition of the increasingly deep bond that I am constantly forming with both of them. The depth of the bond doesn’t increase simultaneously with both of my kids, and so it is like a game of leap frog with one being my “favourite”, but only for a time. I feel like this is a very natural and normal situation, so why do people find it difficult to admit that this happens with their children? My guess is that parents feel like admitting that they favour one child over the other sounds cold and callous. The concern is likely that some people will not understand what is meant by such a statement and the parents would be unfairly judged. Are you afraid to talk about how you favour one child over another, and if so please explain why?
Do Your Kids Play Favourites?
I’ll bet your kids do have a favourite parent, but like me, I’ll bet they go back and forth over time. Check out this hilarious video!