Our community has a lot of great resources for new families. There is a group that is hosted by some community nurses and a few volunteers that Jenn and I took the kids to when they were younger. They talk about the issues and concerns faced by new parents. It was also a great place to meet other new parents in our neighbourhood. When meeting other new parents I found that there were new things for me to consider in my interactions. Most notably, I had to learn how to allow my children to play with other children whose parents may have a different parenting style.
The first time that I remember being made aware that I would have to pay quite a bit of attention to the parenting styles of others was at the parent group. I remember the mom of another baby was making quite a fuss over preventing her child from touching any other kids. Of course, within minutes, one of my kids was trying to grab the foot of that mother’s child. I felt like I had no choice in this case, and I prevented my child from playing with the neighbouring child.
I don’t really know why the other mom wasn’t letting her child touch other children. I can think of a lot of reasons that she may have had. From my perspective, as a parent of twins, I was quite used to my kids interacting with one another, and so I had no issue with other children touching my kids, and I felt it was quite natural for my kids to be allowed to touch other kids. In this case, because a rule had been established by the mom next to us, I felt obliged to make my kids follow that rule with her child. All told, this was a very gentle introduction for me into the world of parental diplomacy. The “no touching” rule that had been tabled was pretty insignificant, but it did make me aware of some of the issues and decisions that I would face in the future.
Parenting Styles and Bullying
Since then I have had quite a few exchanges with other parents. I have realized that, usually, when parents are managing their children’s social interactions, they are trying to be polite to other children and parents. Having said that, I am also becoming aware that as my kids get older, there will be more significant issues at stake. Bullying is an example that jumps to mind.
For a long time bullying has been a bit of a mystery to me. It seems unlikely that any parents would actually want their kids to be bullied or to be a bully. If a parent told me that my kids were bullying other kids, I would absolutely address it with my children, preferably with the other family present. Likewise, if my kids were being bullied, then I would want to talk to the parents of the child that was doing the bullying and would expect the parents to address the issue with their child. I think this is probably easier said than done. It seems quite likely to me that parents may not be open to hearing about their children’s bad behaviour from other parents.
I think there is a responsibility for parents to accept that their children are not perfect, and are capable of doing bad things to people. By no means am I suggesting that you always think that your child is bad, but if the assumption is that they might do bad things from time to time, then you will probably be more approachable if and when another parent has to discuss bullying concerns. Let there be no mistake, however, that telling a parent that their child has been bullying people would require expert parental diplomacy skills.
I invite any thoughts or stories about bullying. The more we share about this, the more we stand to learn.