Tag Archives: Judgement

Parents: The Social Leper

Children are amazing and beautiful little creatures and for a long time I wasn’t really interested in having any of my own. I’d noticed that there was quite often a shift in the attitude of people after they have children and it made me uncomfortable. It seems like parents of young children can become more myopic than they were in their pre-parenthood lives. There seems to be an inability of some new parents to recognize that the world does not revolve around their children.

Perspectives

Shake hand
Hi, my name is parent, and all I parent is parent. Nice to parent you.

Although the world doesn’t revolve around any particular child, I fully understand that a parent’s world very well might revolve around their own child. To be a respectful social being, however, it is important to try to find common ground with people when engaging in conversation. Likewise, even though a parent’s world may start and end with their kids, it is important to maintain an awareness of others in the world.

This disconnect between a parent’s child-centered world and the world that everyone else inhabits can be difficult for parents to overcome. Before having kids, I know that there have been times when I spent significant amounts of time engaged (almost obsessively) in an activity throughout a day and then met up with a friend. In these circumstances I have found it almost impossible to talk about anything other than my project. The focus of anyone’s attention can easily become a social impediment if they let it dominate their social interactions.

Beyond the Social Awkwardness

Having a child is a life changing event. It puts everything in the world into a new perspective. Children can make you aware of things that you may not have considered as seriously before. Social and political issues may take on a new importance. Likewise, environmental concerns also seem more real, now that (through your child) you have a stake in the future that, in all likelihood, will surpass the duration of your own existence. This new outlook can have a powerful influence on how a person views the world, and can affect significant positive changes.

bunker
It’s safe inside, … but it’s inside.

Becoming a parent, it seems, can also induce a sort of sociopathic myopia and bring out a survivalist type of mentality in some people. The same issue that might make one parent take up a political cause to fight for the future of their child, can cause a different parent to isolate their child from the world in an attempt to protect their child. I think the helicopter parenting phenomenon is, at least partially, a product of this inward turning tendency of some new parents. For example, the perception that the park is no longer a safe place to play, so kids should just stay inside. The result, unfortunately, is that children can often be the ones that suffer the worst effects of their parent’s shift in perspective.

My Report Card

I guess it would be more interesting and objective if my children gave me a grade on my parenting, but personally I feel like their assessment of my abilities would be fairly incomprehensible. Honestly, I can say that I am completely aware that the world does not revolve around my kids. It is also true that my world is largely dominated by my kids. I, without a shadow of a doubt, have been guilty of indulging in the socially awkward conversation that revolves around kids and excludes those who don’t have them, but only to a point. I don’t go all nuts with kid talk when I’m in a room where most people don’t have children. At work, I’m usually all business, but I may slip a story about my kids in there if it seems appropriate.

On the sociopathic myopia front, I have some interesting observations. Because my world revolves around my kids, I often feel like I have almost completely lost touch with the outside world. I used to be a news hound, and now I am embarrassed by the things that I am unaware of. Luckily this isn’t because I don’t care, or am apathetic, but because I just don’t have time to keep up to date with current events while I am changing diapers and going on play dates. While I am not aware enough of current events at the moment to take up any particular political causes for the benefit of my children, I am also not inclined to isolate my children from the world to protect them.

As a new parent, I will admit that there have been times when I took steps to “protect” my kids from things that, in reality, were really not dangerous. There is a learning curve to parenting, and I think in the good old information age, there is a perception that there is a lot more danger out there in the big bad world than there really is. This understanding is a work in progress, and while it is true that I have helicoptered my kids a little in their first couple of years, I feel like I am a pretty quick study. I am still finding my feet in my role as a parent, but I feel like it’s because there are so many changes happening that I have to constantly readjust my role. How has having kids affected you and your social life and social skills?

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Parental Diplomacy

Our community has a lot of great resources for new families. There is a group that is hosted by some community nurses and a few volunteers that Jenn and I took the kids to when they were younger. They talk about the issues and concerns faced by new parents. It was also a great place to meet other new parents in our neighbourhood. When meeting other new parents I found that there were new things for me to consider in my interactions. Most notably, I had to learn how to allow my children to play with other children whose parents may have a different parenting style.

First Contact

The first time that I remember being made aware that I would have to pay quite a bit of attention to the parenting styles of others was at the parent group. I remember the mom of another baby was making quite a fuss over preventing her child from touching any other kids. Of course, within minutes, one of my kids was trying to grab the foot of that mother’s child. I felt like I had no choice in this case, and I prevented my child from playing with the neighbouring child.

I don’t really know why the other mom wasn’t letting her child touch other children. I can think of a lot of reasons that she may have had. From my perspective, as a parent of twins, I was quite used to my kids interacting with one another, and so I had no issue with other children touching my kids, and I felt it was quite natural for my kids to be allowed to touch other kids. In this case, because a rule had been established by the mom next to us, I felt obliged to make my kids follow that rule with her child. All told, this was a very gentle introduction for me into the world of parental diplomacy. The “no touching” rule that had been tabled was pretty insignificant, but it did make me aware of some of the issues and decisions that I would face in the future.

Parenting Styles and Bullying

bullySince then I have had quite a few exchanges with other parents. I have realized that, usually, when parents are managing their children’s social interactions, they are trying to be polite to other children and parents. Having said that, I am also becoming aware that as my kids get older, there will be more significant issues at stake. Bullying is an example that jumps to mind.

For a long time bullying has been a bit of a mystery to me. It seems unlikely that any parents would actually want their kids to be bullied or to be a bully. If a parent told me that my kids were bullying other kids, I would absolutely address it with my children, preferably with the other family present. Likewise, if my kids were being bullied, then I would want to talk to the parents of the child that was doing the bullying and would expect the parents to address the issue with their child. I think this is probably easier said than done. It seems quite likely to me that parents may not be open to hearing about their children’s bad behaviour from other parents.

I think there is a responsibility for parents to accept that their children are not perfect, and are capable of doing bad things to people. By no means am I suggesting that you always think that your child is bad, but if the assumption is that they might do bad things from time to time, then you will probably be more approachable if and when another parent has to discuss bullying concerns. Let there be no mistake, however, that telling a parent that their child has been bullying people would require expert parental diplomacy skills.

I invite any thoughts or stories about bullying. The more we share about this, the more we stand to learn.

The Crapshoot of Life

When I was a high school student, there was a day that I was walking home. I was at an intersection waiting for the light to change. To successfully cross the street I had a couple of things going against me. First, I was a teenager, and therefore I was tired. Second, I was a teenager, and was listening to music way too loud, so I was down by one of my senses. Third, (you guessed it) I was a teenager, and too cool to do things like wait until the walk signal appeared and verify that there was no traffic. I anticipated the walk signal and started to take a step out and a guy I didn’t know grabbed my arm and pulled me back. My initial thought was that I was angry that someone was grabbing and pulling me very aggressively. A split second later a bus went whizzing past my face. I was breathless. I turned to say thanks and realized that Darwin wasn’t going to give me too many chances like that.

I Rolled the Dice and Won

crapsI learned a valuable lesson that day. It wasn’t calculus or a foreign language, but it was something that would help to keep me alive long enough to learn a little calculus. The funny thing is that I’d been crossing streets for years successfully all on my own by that point, but there was a new lesson that day. I had grown complacent and was using my ho hum attitude to be “cool”. If I was going to survive my youth, I was going to have to ditch my “cool” attitude and replace it with something a little more pragmatic.

Obviously not everyone needs to learn the same lessons in the same way. There are risks in life and you can’t, and shouldn’t, insulate your child from all of them. Taking chances is an important part of what makes life worth living, to a point. Risk management is an important skill that you develop over time. For example, sometimes I still listen to music when crossing the street, but I am aware that this deprives me of an important sense, and I use a lot more caution than I did when I was in high school.

Coping With the Shoulder Season

So, the world presents risks, and with time we learn to manage them with varying degrees of success. This leaves us with some chunk of time when we don’t have the best risk management skills. This period is what my wife and I have dubbed the “crapshoot of life”. Ironically, this period of a person’s life never really ends. To carry on the metaphor, generally your odds of succeeding in this game increase with time and experience.

As a parent, I have found that there is a new skill I have to learn. I have to gauge what “dangers” to expose my kids to so that they can figure out how to make some of these judgements for themselves. The tricky bit to this is that the media bombards us with reasons to fear for our children’s safety. This media induced fear causes a lot of parents to restrict the freedom of their children to the point where they are actually just inhibiting the ability of their kids to develop their own risk assessment skills. Even if you manage to somehow avoid the media induced paranoia surrounding children’s safety, there are social pressures to parent your children in a particular way. Simply “being yourself” as a parent can be quite difficult.

The Uncomfortable Truth

My kids are going to get hurt, both physically and emotionally. There is a chance that throughout their journey they may be permanently injured. There is also a chance that they may die. In order for myself to be a good parent, I feel like I have to fully accept these statements, but not obsess over them. Throughout their lives, I have to make reasonable decisions on their behalf as to how much risk they can accept. I have to accept that, over time, my decisions will have less authority over their actions, and will be replaced with their decisions. Finally, I must be okay with the fact that my kids will make some bad decisions. This is the craps game that I signed up for.

I decided to write this post today because I was reading news on the sentencing of Ariel Castro. It is one of those cases which is very rare, but that the media focuses on to the point that most people think that everyone is out to get their children. It is the sort of story that I think hits an emotional chord with parents and has the effect of working parents up to a point where they lose track of the reality that most people in the world are pretty good people.

Recommended Reading

For a very comprehensive exploration of this topic, I highly recommend reading Lenore Skenazy’s blog, called Free-Range Kids.

The “Big Talks”

Adult content is for kids too!

There are a lot of “big talks” that my wife and I are going to have with our kids and one of those talks will be about sex. I have a rough idea of how I’d like to approach the topic of sex. Very generally, my preferred approach is to start dialogue with my kids very early. In fact, some of the ground work has already been laid with my kids, as we have already given them some of the basic vocabulary that they will need to develop some of their own questions.

The (Not So) Big Talk

I don’t actually plan on having a talk about sex with my kids. Instead I plan on having a series of small talks with them as new questions arise. At the moment, my kids are really just observers that make comments about the world. They don’t really ask many questions, but they do have some of the vocabulary that they will need when they do decide to start making sexual queries.

When the first sexual questions arrive, my general plan is to provide simple answers addressing the questions that are asked. If more questions follow, then bring them on, but there is no need to overwhelm them with extraneous information. Providing simple and accurate information will be easier to present in a way that is not awkward and it will establish Jenn and I as a reliable source of information. My hope is that this will encourage good communication about sex as our children’s questions become more complex.

Starting Young

I was talking to an acquaintance the other day about this topic and I found it interesting when he told me that his parents talked to him about sex when he was very young. He said that the result was that he started trying to have sex from a very early age. Unfortunately the setting was not the right one for me to probe this topic deeper, and the conversation drifted to other topics. Without more context to this comment it is hard to make any useful commentary about this statement. I find myself wondering what kind of “talk” this person was given. I also wonder if he fully understood my motivation for opening up the dialogue about sex with my kids at an early age.

There certainly seems to be some good reasons to try to discourage your kids from having sex at too early an age.

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “Early timing of sexual initiation is important for two reasons. First, the younger the age of first sexual intercourse, the more likely that the experience was coercive, and forced sexual intercourse is related to long lasting negative effects. —Source

This quote seems to support the idea that people will benefit from becoming sexually active at an older age. I wonder, however, if youngsters are  more likely to have a coercive sexual experience because they are young or because they had bad sex education? More to the point, I wonder if bad sex education leads to a situation where people choose to have sex at a younger age than they would if they had better sex education?

One way or the other, the graph below shows that kids do start having sex when they are quite young. With that in mind, the intention of my approach is to provide my kids with the best information that I can give them about sex and sexuality to help them make informed decisions.

Percent of teens who claim to have had sex, by age

Age Boys Girls
14 7.9% 5.7%
15 14.6% 13.0%
16 25.3% 26.8%
17 39.4% 43.1%
18 54.3% 58.0%
19 65.2% 70.1%

I want my children to have good, fun and meaningful sexual experiences when they are prepared to have such encounters. This will not be possible without a good understanding of their sexuality and all of the implications of their sexual interactions. The point of teaching my kids about sex and sexuality isn’t so that they don’t have sex, it is so that when they do, they are prepared.

Who’s Your Favourite

Very taboo, but yes I have favourites. I guess this is primarily an issue for parents of two or more children, but I think even parents of a single child can at the very least say that their child is not their favourite person at times. I wonder if favouring one child over your other(s) is something that most parents would admit to? I suspect that we all do it, but if so, then why does it seem so taboo?

Judge and Jury

As I mentioned in some of my previous posts, people love to make judgements about people. I’m not even being specific to parents here. Judging people is one of the activities that people seem to get off on most in life. Even those that profess to dislike “labeling” people because it is akin to passing judgements on people are, themselves, judging those that do label others. Labeling and passing judgements are things that we do as humans.

It isn’t always nice or friendly, but labeling helps us make sense of our world and it is also a skill that helps to keep us alive. If we didn’t judge or label things that were poisonous to us, then we might end up killing ourselves with the “bad” berries, for example. There are significant differences between judging hazards to our safety and a person’s character. Determining something to be dangerous is vastly different to deciding that someone is socially awkward or frustrating. For this reason it seems fairly uncontroversial to be harsh towards the things that might cause us harm. It is more controversial to judge people for their personal flaws.

What Favouritism Isn’t

When I talk about favouring one child over the other, the character of my children is certainly at issue, having said that, I love my kids equally. The love I have for my kids is never at issue when I talk about having a favourite. So preferring one over the other is never a question of my love for my kids, but is rather an issue of how I have bonded with them.

As my kids have been developing there have been times when I make a bond with one more than with the other. During those times, I’d have to say that I feel closer to one than the other. I’d also say that it seems like the “favourite” child also seems to prefer me more during those times too and so it seems like it is a two way street. Jenn and I have both noticed that when one of us does bond with one of our kids more than the other it is a temporary thing and we tend to swing back and forth between both of our kids.

Favouring one of my kids over the other, is a recognition of the increasingly deep bond that I am constantly forming with both of them. The depth of the bond doesn’t increase simultaneously with both of my kids, and so it is like a game of leap frog with one being my “favourite”, but only for a time. I feel like this is a very natural and normal situation, so why do people find it difficult to admit that this happens with their children? My guess is that parents feel like admitting that they favour one child over the other sounds cold and callous. The concern is likely that some people will not understand what is meant by such a statement and the parents would be unfairly judged. Are you afraid to talk about how you favour one child over another, and if so please explain why?

Do Your Kids Play Favourites?

I’ll bet your kids do have a favourite parent, but like me, I’ll bet they go back and forth over time. Check out this hilarious video!

The Lesson That a Trivial Parenting Decision Taught Me: Daddy or Papa?

daddy-vs-papaWhat is in a word? Over time, I suspect that my children will call me a wide variety of things, some of which I’d rather they didn’t. Initially, at least, I have some control over how I am known to my kids and I opted for the less conventional (in my region) “Papa”. I quickly found out that this decision was taken much more seriously by some of my acquaintances than it was by me. Don’t get me wrong, I put some thought into it, but my decision actually seemed to bother some people more than, in my opinion, it ought to have.

Why Papa?

There were a few reasons that made me choose to be called “Papa” rather than “Dad”. The most basic reason was that it was unconventional in my area, so it was just a way of being a little different. This has turned out to work pretty well for me, because when my kids are with a group of kids, it is very easy for me to tell when I am being called because so few fathers are called “Papa”. So I like being unique, and I’m a lazy parent who doesn’t like having to look too hard for my kids in a crowd, but there was a more personal reason for me to go with the more unconventional option.

When I was a boy there was a time that I decided that instead of calling my father “Dad”, I was going to try calling him either “Pa” or “Pop”. My father and mother came into my room one day and I tried it out, and they both really loved it. They tried to get me to say it again and out of embarrassment I refused. It really is a shame, because I liked it and it seemed like they both liked it too. In any case, as a bit of an homage to my father, this is why I chose to be known by my children as “Papa”.

What Did I Learn?

The decision to be called “Papa” by my children was one of my first real decisions as a parent. Clearly not a big or terribly important decision, but I did learn a lot from it. As I mentioned, I took a surprising amount of heat from relatives and friends for making this fairly trivial decision, and this, my friends, is what they call foreshadowing. You’d be amazed at how many of your decisions other people will call into question when you are raising your children. Unsolicited parenting advice abounds, and can come from a close relative or the person sitting next to you on the bus.

In the end, I feel that this early “parenting” decision gave me a little bit of a heads up that it is important for me to be able to let people’s opinions about my parenting style roll off of me. To be sure, this is easier said than done and honestly, I feel that I am still fine tuning my understanding and implementation of this lesson. On the other side of this, I have also learned that I should not offer fellow parents unsolicited advice. The role of a parent is so deeply personal, that it is very hard to say things about parenting without making a person feel criticized. What sort of parenting advice have you had from relatives or strangers? Also, what is the preferred nomenclature (obscure reference to a Coen brothers film) of your child’s father: Daddy or Papa? Finally, what Coen brothers film did I just reference?

My Hospital Postpartum Experience

This is a continuation of my previous post called My Hospital Birthing Experience. For the whole story of the birth of my twins, I recommend reading the previous post first.

Healthcare Hooligans

To Swaddle or Not

SwaddleAfter the delivery, while Jenn and I were recovering, nurse Ratched came in to show us how to swaddle our babies and explained that it would help them to sleep. We visited with family and then after a short time were taken to the maternity ward where we were told that they don’t swaddle at that hospital. Exhausted, we explained that we had just been shown how to swaddle by another nurse and that we were now going to get some sleep. Our new maternity ward nurse awkwardly grumbled something about nurse Ratched and left.

Breast Feeding Nazis

The hospital that we delivered our children at has a “breastfeeding friendly” policy, which in retrospect seems like a poor name for their policy. Jenn and I had always been fully on board with breastfeeding our kids and needed no convincing. Every nurse that walked in was astounded to find her tandem nursing both kids within hours of their birth. However, they were hungry hungry kiddos. Jenn’s milk production wasn’t what it needed to be for two mouths, and so I started making visits to the nursing station to get some formula to help supplement Jenn’s milk. Each time I went I was given what amounted to a stern talking to about how we shouldn’t be using formula, and that you need to increase the demand for milk for the production to go up. Yes, sure, but you see we have two and they are hungry, so give us the formula.

After visiting with the lactation consultant and our original “cool” OB/GYN and explaining how long Jenn was breast feeding every day and how the kids didn’t seem to be getting enough, they 100% agreed with us that the kids needed more, and they told the nurses to lay off and give us formula when we asked. Relieved at the conversation with the “professionals” Jenn and I spent some time enjoying our new family members, which meant that I waited too long and went to get formula from the nurses after a shift change and apparently they left no notes, so again we were given the runaround when asking for formula. They even suggested that we shouldn’t be asking for formula because, since they were giving us such small amounts, they had to throw away most of the bottle of formula they were giving us after a short period of time. Really??? Hey I have an idea, how about you give us a whole bottle?

Jenn was an absolute hero when it came to breastfeeding our kids, and put in a ridiculous amount of time and effort to get her milk production up. The result of the hospital policy, however, was to make me feel like 1) an ignorant parent 2) an incompetent parent and 3) a beggar any time that I asked for formula. What’s worse than that was Jenn was made to feel inadequate as a mother. Ironically, when we finally went home with our kids we found some orange coloured crystals in our son’s diaper and so we called the nurse’s hotline and learned that was a sign that he was dehydrated. Hmmm, how would that happen, oh yeah by not being given the formula he needed in the hospital.

Parting Parental Competency Check

We were only in the hospital for 3 days, but honestly I was so frustrated by the experience that on the final day I was ready to bolt out of there. Hold on though, before you go there is one last hoop for you to jump through. Brought to you by the health care professionals that brought you:

  1. Assisted delivery without discussing the course of action to take in the event of a breech delivery
  2. Breech delivery
  3. Swaddling contradictions
  4. Implied parental incompetence which resulted in #5
  5. Withholding formula to the point of dehydration

So, as our parting gift, we had to demonstrate that we knew how to properly buckle our kids into a car seat. I actually think this is a good idea, but the irony of being evaluated on my ability to perform this task by these people was really frustrating to me.

Needless to say, I didn’t really enjoy my birth or postpartum experiences, but I felt significantly better and comfortable in my role as a parent once we got home. I would absolutely love to hear stories from others about how they feel about their birth (dads included) so feel free to make use of the comment section below.